Forming Teens

I work full-time in a youth department for a large, suburban church. I have been there as a student or leader since 1999 and have seen several “cycles” of students come and go. All the while, it seems that there’s an underlying belief from parents and students that weekly Wednesday night experiences and supplemental meetings become the primary means of formation for young people.

This may instantly seem like a soapbox about students needing to spend time privately worshipping God and praying. It isn’t. Those may have a great deal of advantages, but at this point in my career, I am not convinced that this is the main way students are formed spiritually or in general maturation.

Several years ago I encountered a teenager we’ll call Ted who often seemed like things were just not working out in life. He would attend church and had a stable group of friends who did the same, but this young man had a darker side. Ted’s anger was hidden, but burned with a hidden ember about his misfortunes, so the slightest hint of people possibly not having the most noble of intentions toward him would eat him away.

After months of being around him, I realized there had to be more to the story than a series of unfortunate events. I had seen Christians prophesy about great things Ted would do in his future, which actually freaked him out more than it encouraged him. Upon probing and being more observant, I discovered more of Ted’s story.

Ted’s mother had been in jail for several years with no end in sight. His dad had moved from recreational drug use to a habitual use of drugs that would relax the mind or produce hallucinogenic scenarios in his mind. Ted and is brother had been hurt a lot by his maternal and paternal guardians, but had never had real parents who showed him love.

As Ted grew up, the view of affectionate love and responsibility he had gained from his mother had left him unable to make commitments and unable to trust others. His mistrust for the primary authority in his life (his biological father) and only seeing leadership through anger and pain had left him now unresponsive to matters that lacked emotion and never feeling like he could be good enough for anyone.

Ted was left with wounds he inherited without chromosomes. Ted’s parental influences may give him a limp for quite sometime, if not the rest of his life. For Ted, trusting an earthly father has made trusting what Christians call a “Heavenly Father” a difficult translation. The idea that love involves sacrifice for others or working in concert with the desire of another is unfamiliar at best. For Ted, it’s all an uphill battle.

I write all this as an example of something I have pondered for years about the nature of youth ministry. The amount of time students are formed by their church is meager despite our best attempts at programs, camps, trips, and the elusive “perfect service.” Children are primarily formed by their parents and guardians. Through recovery processes, some of this can be overcome, but the most formational ministry a child will encounter, whether positive or negative, will be in the home. To this end, I offer a few honors:

- To those parents who refused to sacrifice their children at the altar of Convenience in a hospital bed, your gift of life is precious.
- To those parents who have never hurt their children, thank you.
- To those parents who care, I salute you.
- To those parents who model weekly church attendance and respect for authority, you are heroic.
- To those parents who attempt to raise children to be full of values that are consistent with Christian ethics, your children will bring you great joy.
- To those parents who display the beauty of an ongoing relationship with God without creating a performance-based system of approval, your children will find it easier to serve God.
- To those parents who trust God with their parenting so much that they choose not to overprotect their children so they can help them along in decision making instead of treating young adults like young children, you are the ultimate parents.

The job of the youth ministry has transformed with the culture over the past decade to encompass supplementing parenting or in some cases replacing parenting. It is with great honor that I connect with this generation and crave to see those who have been wounded find new ways to walk and thrive. I am not yet a parent and humbly pray that I will have the courage and humility to make good decisions one day.

A Prayer for Parents
Almighty and intelligent God,
You have blessed us with the gift of passing your Kingdom to the next generation.
Grant that we may make wise decisions that train our children.
Give us grace as we give you space to be trusted instead of choking on our insecurities.
We are kids who grew up and had kids. Teach us childlike faith.
Make us creative and help us to always model genuine love before all other things,
Just as the Father loves the Son, the Son connects with the Holy Spirit, and the Holy Spirit serves the Father today and forever.
Amen.